To emphasize the originality of Christian brotherly love, and to prevent it from being equated with any other form of love, the New Testament writers used a Greek word that was not commonly used: agape. We don’t know how to translate it into French… The term amour (love) is too common; as for the term charité (charity), which is its true translation, it has been so trivialized and scorned since we invented charity sales and charity bazaars! So much so, in fact, that this most noble of words has become synonymous with vaguely pious condescension. (…)

Christ invites us to love all our brothers and sisters. But since it’s impossible to love them all with the same concrete and effective love, the Lord wants us to be particularly attached to certain people, so that with them we can go as far as possible in the practice of agape. And I think I hear Christ saying to married Christians: “My commandment is for you to live it out in the closest, strongest, most intimate human relationship: marriage. Love one another as I have loved you. “

“Love one another as I have loved you!” What are you going to do, husband and wife, to respond to this demand of Christ, to acquire and increase this love, this conjugal agape? Insofar as this love is of divine origin, as we have seen, you must first draw it from divine sources, by meditating on the Word of God, by receiving the Eucharist, by praying, but I won’t dwell on that today. Since this love is yours, since it is given to you, since you have it at your disposal, you have to exercise it. Otherwise, like any unused faculty, it will quickly wither away. But what does it mean to exercise conjugal agape? That’s what we need to think about at length.

Above all, don’t imagine that to practice agape is to ignore the human elements of love. Look at Christ - for we must love as he did. He certainly loved people with agape, but how human that agape is! How often the Gospel shows him affectionate with his apostles and the children of Palestine, moved with compassion in the presence of human distress, and his weeping before the tomb of Lazarus elicits from the Jews the exclamation: “How he loved him!” To love with agape, then, is not to renounce human ways of loving, but to let pass through all the words and manifestations of human love, the impulse of that love which we draw from the heart of God.

So let’s look at what conjugal love becomes under the impulse of agape, and to get to the heart of the matter, let’s start with the fundamental laws of conjugal love: to know and to make known, to take charge and to let oneself be taken charge of, to give and to receive.

Love and knowledge go hand in hand: you have to know before you can love. But have you noticed that your love, in order to stay alive, requires a renewed knowledge of your partner? For my part, I’ve often observed that neglect and distraction of the gaze precede and lead to the decline of love, and that faithful attention, on the other hand, engenders fidelity of heart.

Let’s take a closer look. Marital love is a complex reality: a bundle of more or less interconnected, hierarchical impulses. All must be kept alive, lest the decline of one lead to the decline of the others. The law of knowledge applies to all of them. It’s dangerous for a newly-wed to lose sight of his wife’s moral qualities, but it’s no less dangerous to cease to marvel at the charm of her face, or to become inattentive to her tenderness: little by little, those varied impulses awakened in him by the sight of his wife’s moral qualities, physical beauty and gestures of tenderness will fade away.

The worst thing would be to lose sight of the other person’s deepest self. It’s the discovery of a being’s originality and uniqueness that is the foundation of true conjugal love. Remember… What was it that awakened, called, conquered and attracted your inner self, if not the sight, in this being who crossed your path, of his or her “inner face”? No doubt you’d already been alerted by his visible qualities, but they wouldn’t have been enough to arouse a certain quality of love if you hadn’t discovered in him a more mysterious beauty. But how easily the gaze loses this miraculous gift of “double sight”! Above all, don’t take it for granted, but keep launching and re-launching yourself into the discovery of the other person.

If husband and wife look at each other with fresh eyes every day, their love is bound to become ever younger and more vibrant. If they know they are begotten of the Lord, then their gaze will try to find in each other a totally different beauty, the face of a child of God. Don’t cry mysticism: the Christian whose eyes are sharpened by faith learns to see transparency in others. It’s as if Christ were communicating his own gaze, the gaze that Saint Mark evokes in the episode of the rich young man: “Jesus fixed his gaze on him and loved him”. I’m sure there are many among you who would be ready to testify that their love was transformed from the day they looked at their spouse in this way.

But it’s quite clear that only spouses who practice making themselves known can get to know each other in depth. Who cultivate the virtue of transparency. It’s not easy to reveal the universe of your thoughts and feelings, your intimate personality. Many tendencies conspire against this openness: modesty, shyness, stinginess of heart. Most serious of all is the insidious temptation to draw back the iron curtain in retaliation for an indelicacy or offense, real or imagined.

We must reject these tendencies and temptations at all costs. How will the other person come to meet us if we conceal from him the qualities that might seduce him, the sorrows that would arouse his affectionate compassion? A friend who doesn’t forgive me for having been born in Lyon once brought me a supposed definition of the Lyonnais: “We’re reduced to assuming it’s full of perfume, but refusing to uncork it!” If you want to be appreciated and loved, you have to know how to… pop the cork.

But agape demands more: that you allow your spouse to enter into your intimacy with God, following the example of Christ who allowed his apostles to witness his tête-à-tête with the Father when, before leaving the Cenacle to go to the Garden of Olives, he prayed his great priestly prayer before them. Praying aloud, husband and wife, side by side, talking regularly about your interior life, sharing your discoveries in the field of faith - isn’t this an essential condition for getting to know each other as God knows you? (…)

This second law follows on from the first. This being, whose qualities, unique value and potential for good and happiness you have glimpsed, how could you not feel a vehement desire to promote its full development? Contrary to common belief, I’m convinced that, for a well-born heart, the first movement of love towards another - if this love is founded on the discovery of that other’s deepest self - is one of pure homage, of self-offering, of ardent and selfless desire for that other’s fulfillment. I’m sure you’ve experienced it. It’s true that a second movement, a self-interested one, arises almost immediately, as you realize that the love of this being reserves joy and profit for yourself. The question is whether you’ll put his good before yours, or your good before his - and in the latter case, true love will only have lasted “the space of a morning”.

The will to do good for others is the soul of all true love. It demands that you overcome the old instinct to claim and monopolize, and translate it into daily action.

Sometimes, wanting what’s best for a loved one means denying them what would be detrimental to their greatest joy. It’s not always easy. There are times when to love is to accept suffering. But for God’s children, it’s not just a question of promoting the human good and happiness of others; each one knows and wants to be responsible for the blossoming in the Lord’s grace of the one they love. It’s our dearest ambition to bring him or her ever closer to Christ. Oh, it’s not impossible that, from time to time, you’ll feel a little twinge of sorrow as you witness Christ’s growing hold over you, but you know that the Lord does not confiscate the hearts that surrender themselves to him.

Taking care of each other, being responsible for each other’s development, implies in return that each of you recognizes that you need the other. Of course, it’s easy to turn to the other for trivial services and superficial satisfactions, but it’s much less easy to accept that you need him or her in depth, to entrust him or her with your needs, weaknesses and ignorance, so that he or she can come to your rescue. Nevertheless, it’s an inalienable requirement of love. And besides, haven’t you noticed that often the best way to promote moral progress in a person is to need them, to stimulate their love and generosity by appealing to them?

The Christian, for his part, will rely on his spouse in his efforts to divest himself of the behaviors and feelings of the “old man” and acquire the feelings and behaviors of a true son of God. It’s certainly not a question of expecting the spouse to be a director of conscience, in the strict sense of the term; but if he doesn’t have the powers of the priest, he does have others, and precisely to help his fellow traveler grow in charity. No doubt there are some among you who have been delighted to realize that the habit of humbly turning to the spiritual help of your spouse, of asking for help, support and training, has ultimately been the best way to help him or her in their spiritual progress. For he felt that if he was not to disappoint the trust placed in him, he had to be ever more united with God. Why do so few couples achieve the pinnacle of conjugal agape that is spiritual mutual aid? Do they doubt that the demands of the new commandment go so far?

Father Henri Caffarel asks how we are to love one another with the love that Christ has for us, for we are called to such demanding love and, since it is impossible to love all our brothers and sisters like Christ, we must make efforts in our most immediate environment, starting with our spouse. To do this, he suggests we start from three fundamental aspects of married love: knowing the other and making oneself known (chapter 6), caring and letting oneself be cared for (chapter 6), giving and receiving (chapter 7).

Knowing yourself: this is not just a question of superficial knowledge, although this is important (beauty, attractiveness, admiration…), but of being attentive to the deepest self, because the foundation of true married love is the discovery of a person in all that is original and unique about him or her. To achieve this, it is essential to constantly awaken our sensitivity to what we described in Chapter 1: Awakening the loving gaze. To do this, we need to give the other person the opportunity to get to know us in our intimacy with God, just as Jesus let us see how he united with the Father in prayer. Conjugal prayer is our tool for deepening this understanding.

Caring for each other: At some point in our relationship, we’ve all experienced the desire to help the other person, to bring them to their full potential. Looking out for the other’s good is the soul of all true love. And this is difficult, because it can sometimes cause the loved one to suffer. And this must be accepted. Father Henri Caffarel goes beyond the day-to-day care of the other and seeks spiritual care and progress. And to do this, he suggests we recognize and express to our partner our deep need for him/her. This can be a powerful tool for stimulating her/his love and generosity.

We don’t know how to appreciate the person we have too close to us. We don’t have enough perspective. We don’t realize that we’re sharing real life, but that we may also be secretly holding on to parallel dreams. We can never be completely sure of each other’s hearts. A heart that we can neither possess nor know in its entirety, unless the other is willing to reveal it.

We see ourselves at that turning point in life when we’re still young but not so young, and we start to think about the time that remains. That’s when we start asking ourselves “what ifs”: “what if I’d married that first love that isn’t totally forgotten”, “what if I see that person again who seems to understand me so well”, or “what if faith is just a mirage that reassures me…”. All these “ifs” place us at crossroads that shake us up. And we have to choose again. We can even doubt the bond assumed by our marriage, justifying ourselves by the idea that we were too young. When, on the contrary, we should relive the memory of the certainty that the generosity of youth made so indisputable, and remain faithful to it beyond the limits and changes of life.

1: Conjugal agape, love and agape. It’s about loving with the very love of Christ, loving with that selfless impulse of love, all directed towards the happiness of our spouse. “Love one another as I have loved you!” What are you going to do, husband and wife, to respond to this demand of Christ, to acquire and increase this love, this conjugal agape?

2: Know and be known. Do we take a fresh look at ourselves every day? Do we marvel every day at the charm of our partner’s face, his moral qualities and, above all, his inner self? Are we open enough to each other to reveal our thoughts, feelings and innermost selves? Do we give concrete examples of what has been given and also of what has not been given to the partner and which could have been or could be (we sometimes have to choose the right moment to say certain things…)? How can we remedy this?

3: “But agape requires more: that you allow your spouse into your intimacy with God…” How do we share our intimacy with God? How do we help each other spiritually? What are the concrete gestures and actions we take to help others grow in their faith? Have we considered having our own personal spiritual guide? What are the obstacles to doing so? If you do, what benefits will it bring to the quality of your married love? Let’s give thanks.

4: Caring and letting yourself be cared for. We’re talking about taking responsibility for our partner’s full development. “Taking care of each other, making each other responsible for each other’s fulfillment, implies in return that each agrees to recognize that he or she needs the other.” What would you like to say about this statement by Father Henri Caffarel? Do we confide enough in our spouse? What could we share more to love with a love even more in line with that with which God loves us?

5: God has given us a magnificent gift in giving us our spouse to love. To love as Christ asks us is to want the other person to be happy. It means drawing love from the very heart of God. Talk about what each of you thinks and experiences of this demand for love?

“The whole question then is whether you’ll put his good before yours, or your good before his.” What are the times when you just can’t do it? Do you know the cause? What could you do about it? But do we know how to keep time for ourselves, to cultivate our own secret garden? Wanting the other person to be happy sometimes requires us to say certain things to each other, and can lead to disagreements that enable us to love better afterwards? How do we achieve this?

Let love be sincere; hate what is evil, hold on to what is good; love one another with mutual affection; anticipate one another in showing honor. Do not grow slack in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the holy ones, exercise hospitality. Bless those who persecute [you], bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Have the same regard for one another; do not be haughty but associate with the lowly; do not be wise in your own estimation. Do not repay anyone evil for evil; be concerned for what is noble in the sight of all. If possible, on your part, live at peace with all. Beloved, do not look for revenge but leave room for the wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Rather, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.” Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.

1: What have we discovered by reading these texts by Father Henri Caffarel? What do we wish to share about our sit down?

2: How does the team stimulate us to love with an ever-greater love for our spouse and for God?

3: How easily do we share with our spouse our relationship with God and our spiritual life? How do we do this? How does this spiritual mutual aid improve the quality of our married love?

4: To live this level of agape, we need our Lord’s help. To dare to ask for his help. Is prayer an endeavor (concrete point of effort) that we’ve gradually been able to implement in our daily lives? Is it still difficult? How do we help each other? How does the team help us? The same goes for conjugal prayer, which can be the place where we confide our love to the Lord, its joys and its difficulties in loving as he loves us.